


these times we've had

by Flintlock (yukine)



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Aged Up, Angst, Chimera Ant Arc Spoilers, Doctor Leorio, Domestic, First Kiss, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Lots of Leorio and Killua bonding, M/M, Memory Loss, Post-Series, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-31
Updated: 2015-01-31
Packaged: 2018-03-09 21:56:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3265769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yukine/pseuds/Flintlock
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He doesn't remember the past. He doesn't know what we've been through. He has no idea who I am, and I could fix all that, if I wanted to.<br/>But maybe it's better this way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	these times we've had

It is 3:46 in the morning, and my phone goes off.

It makes this godawful rattling noise as the phone vibrates against the wood of the bedside table and I grit my teeth at the volume, reaching over and snatching it up just to stop it. It's loud enough to have woken me up if I was asleep.

My heart is still racing from being jarred from sleep, and my hair is still sticking to my forehead with cold sweat, and the phone going off just spiked my pulse even more. I take a moment to catch my breath, phone in my hand, other hand to my forehead. I breathe in deeply, then breathe out, trying to calm myself. I glance over to my right.

He's curled up, asleep, in a tiny, peaceful ball beside me. His eyes are closed, and his black hair spills onto the pillow, and moonlight trickling in through the window glows on his skin.

He is okay.

We're okay.

It's okay.

I look at my phone, flicking on the screen, squinting as the brightness hits my eyes, which are adjusted to the darkness. I grit my teeth and blink, focusing on the display. It tells me that I have one new text. I sigh and open it.

 

> _**Kurapika** , 3:46 A.M._

>> Hey. How is he?

 

I blink down at my phone, then squeeze my eyes shut, rubbing them. Kurapika doesn't mean any harm by texting me this early, I know. Kurapika is traveling the world and is in another timezone and probably forgot the time difference. That would be the second time he's done this, and as irritating as it can be, I appreciate the concern he has to send these texts in the first place.

I shut the vibrate off my phone, so that if Kurapika texts me again and I have it set down again, it won't wake up him. Then I quietly type in a reply.

 

> RE: _**Kurapika** , 3:48 A.M._

>> hey. hes fine. thanks for asking.

 

I pause, then type in another.

 

> RE: _**Kurapika** , 3:49 A.M._

>> also its 4 in the morning here just so you know

 

> _**Kurapika** , 3:50 A.M._

>> That's good to hear. And oh, is it? My apologies. I keep doing this, I need to remember the time change. I'm sorry if I woke you up.

 

> RE: _**Kurapika** , 3:51 A.M._

>> its no problem dont worry about it i was awake anyway. hes still asleep its fine. hows leorio

 

> _**Kurapika** , 3:53 A.M._

>> Your guess is as good as mine. He got hired by a neighbor village to treat a sickness going around and hasn’t texted much, but I'm sure he's fine. He should be back soon.

 

> RE: _**Kurapika** , 3:54 A.M._

>> thats good to hear. hows he l

 

I don't finish the text.

I feel him shift beside me, then breathe in deeply in that way that he does when he's waking up. I panic and freeze up as he lets out a soft mewling noise which is half-yawn, then he stretches his arms above his head with a gentle sound, then blinks open his eyes at me and lets a fond smile fall onto his lips. "Hi, Killua," he whispers, his fond hazel eyes shining as a halo of silver light from the still-full moon sits atop his head. "I felt you were up, so I woke up...you alright?"

My first instinct is to cover the screen of my phone with my palm and flick it off with a push of a button, putting it face-down on the nightstand, not breaking eye contact with him. His eyes flicker from me, to my phone, and his brows furrow in silent question. I tuck my hands in my lap and stare down at them. "Fine. Nothing. Just couldn't sleep, so I was playing a game."

"You were texting someone." I swallow and look up at him again. He is staring at me, puzzled. "I saw the screen, you were texting someone. Who was it?"

I want to blurt that I was texting my brother, which would be a reasonable lie. Except then I wonder if I've mentioned my siblings since he forgot, and if I bring up that I have a brother and he perceives it as new information, he'll ask questions, and want to talk to them and see pictures. I can't do that.

I don't know if showing him pictures or talking about it will trigger memories. I don't know if the memories can be triggered, and if they can, I don't know what will. And there's no chance in hell that I'm risking it.

I've made myself silent so that he can smile.

"A friend," is what I say. "Go back to sleep, Gon."

He doesn't ask any more questions. He's used to me telling him not to.

\--

It's been years since the fight that changed everything.

Gon Freecss was in a brutal battle with an opponent I warned him over and over he wasn't strong enough to face. His Nen failed to protect him, and his reflexes faltered. It was a hit that should've killed him.

It didn't kill him.

By some _miracle,_ he survived the hit, but only barely. He was knocked unconscious far too far and fell into a deep state of unconsciousness. A coma, is what the doctors told me, but I was in deep-rooted denial of their words. He would wake up. He would wake up.

A month, and he didn't wake up.

Six months, and he didn't wake up.

A year, and he didn't wake up.

Me alone by his side in a silent, sterile room, save for the steady mechanical beeping going off every couple of seconds taunting me with the fact that he was still alive, holding his hand, tears streaming down my face and voice hoarse as I whisper-begged him to open his eyes because he meant the world to me, and he didn't wake up.

I wanted to wish him better through Alluka like I had before, but in this case, it wasn't as simple. Leorio was a certified doctor by this time, and had insisted on being one of the doctors to tend to Gon. He's also one of the few people in the world who know about Alluka and her talents, including myself, so he knew what I was thinking, and what I was surprised to hear is him begging me not to heal Gon through Alluka. At least, not yet.

At first I was furious. How dare he say no? Didn't he care about Gon? Why couldn't he let me heal him right there if I had the power to? But tears were in his eyes as he shook his head and stared at the ground, quietly telling me that unlike before where Gon had suffered massive amounts of physical damage, this time, he had also suffered massive amounts of brain damage. He told me brain damage is a very delicate issue, and that the doctors couldn't be sure of the extent that it reached. He said simply healing Gon with Alluka would be dangerous, because he wasn't sure how the brain damage would take it, and it might make it worse. So he pleaded me to not heal Gon until the doctors knew for sure what the damage was, and how a wish to heal would affect it.

I was even angrier then, but not at Leorio. What he said made perfect sense. I was livid that I was helpless.

And so it was a year of Gon being living dead, and of me being just the same.

The day he woke up is etched into my mind in excruciating detail. I can recall exactly how the phone rang four times before I picked it up, and how the ringing of the phone echoed through the room, and how Alluka was sleeping on the couch and I worried if it'd wake her. How my fingers curled around it and I brought it to my ear, breathing out a, "Hello?" into the receiver. How Leorio's voice was on the other end, trembling. And how the phone dropped from my shaking grip and hit the floor with a crack but I was too busy running out the door to care.

Leorio told me two words. _He's awake_.

I was running, running faster than I ever have, using Godspeed to sprint down the streets to get to the hospital- _he was awake, he was awake_ \- and flying through the doors. I knew exactly which room Gon was in, as I'd already visited it more times than I can count. I ran through the hospital with sparks flying from my feet, exhausting my aura just to see him a little faster. I heard doctors and nurses begin to yell, but I was going too quick for them to so much as touch me or for me to hear the rest of their cries. Up the stairs I raced, heart throbbing against my ribs and pulse thundering in my throat. I made a sharp turn and skittered down the hallway, dodging as many doctors as I could and knocking the ones directly in my path out of the way in my haste. In front of the door of the room where he was, I stopped abruptly and twisted, barging in.

The lights were on. Leorio and several other doctors hovered around the bed in the middle.

Gon was sitting up in it. Smiling.

The doctors didn't notice me until I was pushing them away, tears burning hot behind my eyes. I was met with instant howls of surprise and argument, and I felt a hand try to grab my shoulder, but I smacked it away.

"It's okay!" I heard Leorio's frantic voice behind me as I tried to get a grip on the edge of the bed. "He's Gon's friend, it's okay!" But then Leorio's voice was suddenly close and hot as he breathed in my ear, words spilling out too fast with a harsh tone of warning punctuating every syllable. "Killua, don’t talk to him yet. The brain damage is bad, and you don't want to know what-"

His voice faltered and stopped, his warning now useless.

I locked eyes with Gon while Leorio was talking, and we held the gaze . His eyes, God, I forgot how much I missed his eyes. They are golden with a shine that the beauteous sun itself envies. They can smile with enough brightness to make the night day again. They can dance with such charm all who fall under them are bewitched. And they can glow with enough warmth to make a boy assassin believe in love.

By the time Leorio had stopped talking, my trembling arms were thrown around Gon's waist and I bent forward, sobbing into his chest. I clung to him like if I let go I'd never see him again, my tears soaking the fabric of his shirt. He didn't say anything. Even the doctors had gone quiet. The only sounds were my gasps in-between sobs and the melody of his heartbeat as I buried my head in his chest.

I'm not sure how long it was that I hunched over the hospital bed, held Gon and wept. It could've been thirty seconds. It could've been ten minutes. I was so utterly and completely overwhelmed with him being awake and okay that I had no consideration of stopping until I felt another hand on my shoulder- but this one was firm and warm and familiar.

"Killua," said Leorio softly.

Sniffling, I raised my head, looking over my shoulder at Leorio. Leorio made eye contact with me, jaw clenched, for all of a second, before letting his gaze fall to the ground. And for the first time, I looked at Gon.

Gon was smiling at me, but it was wrong. His brows were furrowed and his eyes were vacant and his smile was apologetic, piteous. This wasn't his smile. He hadn't said anything yet, he hadn't even touched me, and I didn't realize how not like him that was until the panic began spreading through me, hot pins and needles on my skin.

Gon opened his mouth. Small, sheepish words he delivered gently, as if trying to soften a blow,

"Sorry. Who are you?"

and they changed everything.

 

 _He's joking,_ came my immediate mental rebuttal, but he wasn't. The emptiness in his eyes when he looked at me couldn't be faked. He genuinely had no idea who I was, and everything suddenly made sense in the most horrifying way possible.

I don't know if I can accurately describe the feeling of being asking who you are by the person who means the entire world to you. Your stomach drops. Your fingers numb. Your blood is ice running through your veins and you can't move, you can't breathe.

_He didn't remember me._

I stumbled back, I think. I don't know. I couldn't think clearly enough at the time for me to remember. Leorio caught me. "Memory loss," he said quietly under his breath. "He doesn't remember anything past leaving Whale Island. I'm sorry."

_He didn't remember me._

Gon's face pinched into a frown with guilt, waving his hands frantically. "Ah, I-I'm sorry! I've been told I have memory loss, so, um...should I know you? Uh, are we friends? Relatives?"

_He didn't remember me._

(I meant nothing to him.)

Gon had asked my identity, so I told him, though my voice was a hoarse whisper and I stared at the ground with my head tilted down so he wouldn't see the pain in my expression.

"I'm Killua Zoldyck," I said quietly. "You and I are the best friends in the entire world."

Leorio gave my shoulder a gentle, comforting squeeze, and I closed my eyes. His hand lifted and I heard his footsteps patter away from me, then the door opened and shut. He was giving Gon and I alone time, even when as a doctor, he probably should've been staying in the room because he knew how much it meant to me. I appreciated that immensely. I'd have to thank him later.

"...Killua." Gon said my name lightly and slowly, as if testing how the word felt on his tongue. "Killua. Kiilluaaa...Killua." There was a pause, before he let out a short hiccup of laughter, and my heart twisted. Trying to ease my features to hide my expression of agony, I lifted my head. Gon was smiling warmly at me, eyes sparkling with excitement. "That's a really cool name!" I trembled. Gon tipped his head. "We're best friends, right? I-I don't remember you being on Whale Island...um, how did we meet?"

My answer was automatic, as it may be the most important single memory I have. I opened my mouth to tell him the story of the moment my life changed forever.

(We were twelve, at the time. I was tired of being an object to a family I wanted no part in. You were determined to find the father who left you. We ran away from home, and by Fate's hand, both ended up as participants in the Hunter Exam. It was Phase One, the first time I saw you. Amongst a sea of smirking old men who snickered at me, a child on a skateboard taking the world's most dangerous test, there was you. You were bright, with a fishing pole sticking out of your backpack, and the shortest participant there. It caught my eye, and as I was interested by you and bored with the test, I skated up to you and the two people beside you. I made a couple cracks at the one in a suit, because I was an ass back then, but I'd grow to love even him as the father who loved me for me that I never had. He was the doctor who just left the room, in fact, Gon, and he's the kindest and most loving man either of us know. Once I was done picking on him, I rolled up beside you, hands in my pockets as I scanned you over. You were young. The youngest participant I had seen so far, not counting myself. You noticed me, turning your head to me as you ran, and you were smiling. I asked you how old you were. It's kind of funny- my first meeting with you, the most important thing to ever happen to me, and the first I ever said to you was 'How old are you'. But, not questioning who I was or why I was asking, you simply replied that you were twelve years old, which perked my interest. Oh, finally, someone my age- I wasn't the only kid here after all, and I wanted to know more about you, all of a sudden. Wanting to put us on the same level, I kickflipped my skateboard out from under my feet, caught it, and tucked it under my arm, nonchalantly adding that I guess I'd run, too. You were awed by such a simple thing, and right away, I was captivated by your wonder, the same wonder you hold for the whole world. And so we were running side-by-side, now, the beginning of everything. I told you my name was Killua. You told me yours was Gon.)

But my mouth hung open, and silence hung in the air. The words did not come out. Something was holding me back from saying it.

It took me a couple of seconds that felt like years to figure out what it was, but once it dawned on me, my heart sunk and I curled my fists, eyes flicking away from his. "E-excuse me," was all I could stutter, needing to step out for a moment to deal with what I was thinking. "I'll be back." I wheeled around and got out of the room as quickly as I could.

I shut the door behind me and I leaned back on it, breathing laboriously, my entire frame shaking as I realized just how close I was to having a breakdown right there. I was still for a couple moments, closing my eyes and trying to breathe normally, trying to stop my legs from shaking so bad I felt like they were going to give out under me. My pulse thundered in my ears, and I wasn't sure if I was going to cry, scream, throw up, or none of those. I waited until I could breathe again without it feeling like hyperventilation, rubbed my eyes, and with a deep, slow intake of air that made my chest swell, I finally opened my eyes. There were various people flitting in and out of door throughout the hall further down on the left side, but the right side with less rooms was a lot emptier. Leorio was standing at the end of it, his back to me, looking as if he was holding his phone to his ear. I walked down to him.

"Dammit...come on, for once in your life..." Leorio was hissing into the receiver as I approached him. Leorio let out a growl and he visibly tensed, dropping his other hand out of his pocket to clench in a fist at his side. "Can you pick up your goddamn phone? Can you stop looking for the eyes for _two minutes_ for the _life_ of one of your friends? Don't you fucking care at all about Gon?!" The last sentence came out as a harsh bark, and I cringed. Leorio yells a lot, sure. But he never sounds as venomous as he did in that moment. Leorio let out a snarl and shoved his phone in his pocket, letting out a huge, frustrated breath.

"...Kurapika?" I asked quietly, and Leorio startled and turned to face me, having only just noticed I was there.

Leorio's eyes trailed down and he rubbed at the back of his neck, as if ashamed that I saw that. "Yeah. I- yeah. Sorry you had to hear that. I've been really tense and stressed lately with the differences in Gon's condition over the past week before he woke up today, and, you know. I care a lot about Kurapika but he's also a pain in the ass." Leorio tried at a half-hearted smile- I didn't even attempt to return it- and Leorio's faded as fast and he had donned it like it was exhausting trying to keep it up. "I thought you'd be longer."

I kicked at the ground. "I didn't know what to say."

"Really? I assumed you were going to fill him in." Well, that was the thing. Suddenly, Leorio's eyes went wide with realization. "Killua, Alluka is still with you, right?" I cringed as soon as he said that, knowing what he was going to propose next. But Leorio grabbed onto my shoulders and bent down to my height (which, considering I was 5'10" then, wasn't nearly as far as he used to have to), practically shaking me. "Now that he's awake, you can do it! You can wish back his memories! You can fix this!" He sounded desperate.

I was so caught up in my grief over Gon not remembering me that I hadn't considered that maybe I wasn't the only one destroyed over Gon forgetting them. Leorio's voice was cracking, and looking him in the eye for the first time, I noticed that his eyes were red in the way that eyes get when you're crying and try to wipe the tears away before anyone can see. Gon meant the world to Leorio, too, and I realized that despite his calming façade he wore just to comfort me, he was just as heartbroken as I was, and it made me feel all the worse for what I was about to say.

I avoided his gaze, tossing it over my shoulder and speaking in a soft tone. "I'm not going to give him his memories back."

I winced my way through the beat of silence that followed.

Leorio's hands tightened ever-so-slightly on my shoulders, probably subconsciously, and I squeezed my eyes shut, not wanting to see his expression. "...Wh-what?" he sputtered at last, at first mystified, like he couldn't believe what he was hearing. But then his voice raised and he was shouting at me, bunching the fabric of my shirt in his fists, raw anger boiling behind every word. "What do you mean? Why not? You are the only person on Earth who can recover his memories right now and fix this and you're just as sad about him forgetting as me, and you decided you don't _want_  to? What the hell? What the _hell?_ "

"Because he deserves better."

Silence again.

I heard Leorio suck in a breath, and I waited until I felt him let go of me until I opened my eyes again. Leorio slowly stood up and slipped his hands into his pockets, staring down at me. His mouth was pressed into a hard line, and his eyes were narrowed. Rarely ever did the loud, emotional and chattery Leorio ever look this silent and deadly serious. "Explain yourself," he said in an eerily calm and cold tone that I had never heard from his mouth before. "If you're going to refuse to heal Gon, you better have a good fucking reason."

My hands were shaking again and I was suddenly fearful of what I was going to tell him because Leorio was _furious_ and maybe it wasn't enough reason after all and I could just heal Gon and things could go back to the way they used to be.

But I couldn’t do that. I couldn't do that to Gon.

It took me most of a minute just to try to figure out how to start my explanation. I twisted my hands in each other and scuffled my sneakers against the linoleum out of nervous habit before I finally spoke. "Th-there's an almost overwhelmingly large part of me that wants to do that, to have him back just like we know him. But...b-but his life, Leorio. It's been so, so sad." My voice wobbled and I had to pause to recollect myself. Leorio's eyebrows inched up. "...He's been through so much. He's felt so much pain and seen so many die, and blamed himself for all of it. And every time, I just...I just thought about how much he didn't deserve it. Any of it. H-how-how I wanted t-to take him away from it all. You haven't seen him breakdown like I have, it killed me, it _killed me_. And that scar never left him. No matter how happy he could be, there was always the part of him that thought he was weak, that thought he was the reason his loved ones suffered, that thought Kite's death was _all his fault_ and the part of him that took a life. He's been abandoned and betrayed and thinks it's all his fault, a-and now there's a chance to take him away from it. It's under horrible circumstances and I wish there was a better alternative, and I won't be happy but I don't care as long as he is. Th-th. That's all I have to say."

I sped up as I spoke with nervousness to a point where my cracking words were tripping over each other and I was gasping in air to try to keep myself from crying at the end but I failed anyway. I was shaking and sobbing in front of Leorio, it was pathetic. He hated me, I probably sounded stupid, he was furious with me, and-

And suddenly, there were warm arms around me, a hand gently threading through my hair, and the rich scent of pleasant cologne. "You are the most selfless person I've ever met," Leorio whispered, and I buried my face in the crook of his neck and clung to him tighter. "Thank you for explaining, I'm sorry I got angry before. This is a very mature decision, and I'm so, so proud of you. I..." A pause. "I agree with what you said, as much as it pains me to say." I choked on a sob of relief, and his fingers continued stroking my hair, and I found myself relaxing beneath his loving touch. "Gon absolutely deserves happiness after all he's been through. I just wish Gon could appreciate just how lucky he is to have the most selfless best friend in the world."

I don't know what I've done to deserve the friendship of Leorio, and honestly, I probably don't deserve it at all. But even so, in that moment, with Leorio holding me tight and telling me exactly the words I needed to hear in a kind, fond tone, I had never been more grateful. "Thank you," I managed to squeak. "Thank you so, so much."

"I wish I could give you the same happiness, Killua. God knows you deserve it."

We stayed like that for a long time, locked in an embrace like nothing else mattered in the middle of a hospital hallway. The other doctors were considerate enough to quietly walk around us and not ask questions as I breathed in his scent until I had calmed again.

The deep, richly sweet smell of Leorio's cologne. Kurapika's aroma of old parchment and crisp midnight air. Gon's scent of earth and rain and forest wind. To me, all of these mean home. The Zoldycks are the relatives I am bound to. My friends are the family I chose.

They are the family I will protect to no end.

They are the family I'd give anything to see smile.

\--

It's been eight months since Gon woke up, and every day, my heart breaks in a new way. Nothing is sadder than how happy he is now, all the time.

We are in our late teens, Kurapika in his early twenties and Leorio in his mid. Gon and I have a small apartment together, which we have more than enough money to maintain. We don't need much.

I take care of him, and I protect him, and we both understand it. Believe me when I say I wish I could have Alluka here with me, but with all the time I have to spend with Gon because of his condition, I wouldn't have nearly as much time for her as she deserves, which isn't fair to her. So I figured the best course of action for right now would be to drop her off somewhere until Gon is in more stable condition, and, when he started feeling better, I can start slowly reintroducing things from his past- Alluka being one of them. I'll do it gradually so it won't be all at once and, hopefully, he won't make connections and remember. But like hell was I dropping her off at home, where they'd lock her up like she's some sort of monster again- so, I came up with the best plan I could. During the week Gon was still in the hospital after he woke up, I explained to Alluka what was going on, and had her pack her bags and promise to trust me, I made a few phone calls, and then Alluka and I were on a boat to Whale Island.

It had been a long time since I had seen Mito, and I was incredibly grateful for her willingness to look after my seventeen-year-old sister for a few months while I help get the boy Mito loves like her son back to health. While I hate being separated from Alluka, I honestly can't think of a kinder, more loving person in a safer place to entrust her to until I'm available again. It's a good experience for her, though- being locked up for most of her life, Alluka is utterly fascinated by the world she's never seen, and absolutely adores animals of all shapes and sizes. So Whale Island, with its exotic array of flora and fauna, is paradise for her. We text constantly, and she's always sending me picture of the animals she's come to befriend. Animals love her right back. She'd make a good Hunter.

So I miss her, but I'm content knowing she's safe and happy, and away from the family's clutches, and I'm planning on visiting soon. Meanwhile, as I said before, I'm living with Gon, bending over backwards to try to give him a normal life. Leorio and I worked together to make up a life story for him that'd seem realistic- so as far as Gon knows, the basic version of the story (without all the details we added to make it more believable) is that he met me at school, where we bonded and formed our friendship. Then, one day while he was driving, he got into a car crash, where he suffered brain damage and lost his memory.

It's simple, easy. No pain. No death.

It's nice for me, too, in a way, to play pretend like this. If I keep my eyes open, I can nearly delude myself into thinking this is all it ever has been. If I keep my eyes open (because the nightmares strike when they're shut) then it's almost like Gon really is an old classmate that I'm rooming with and that's all it ever was. Just me, an apartment, and my...my...well. "Friend" isn't the right word, really.

I don't know what to call the relationship between us lately. We hold hands. We sleep like lovers. We brush our lips over the other's forehead and rub the tips of our noses together but we don't say anything about it, we never address any of it.

So...if this is the beginning of love, does that mean this is what we could've had if we had normal lives? What we could've been all this time?

Which then makes me wonder if it's truly me that Gon curls up to and links fingers with. Gon holds this relationship with his schoolmate, not with the blood-stained assassin who ran away from home.

There's no question that his feelings about me would change if he knew. After all, it was never like this before. Gon may love his schoolmate, but he never loved the assassin in the same way. (The way that the schoolmate or assassin has loved him all these years.)

I feel disgustingly guilty.

I'm pretending to be someone I'm not and then, only then, do I get the feelings from him I've pined for years returned. It's not right and not fair. It's fake and a lie, all of this is a lie, and sometimes I feel like I'm going to scream. I can't mention around him. Every night I'm jarred from sleep because of nightmares that I can't ever explain to him.

Gon has no idea who I am. Gon has no idea who he is.

But this is what I've chosen. He's happier like this. I'm sure I'll get used to it eventually.

\--

I've come to find comfort in the sizzle of bacon in a hot pan as sunlight begins bleeding into the dark dawn sky.

I stand at the stove, one hand nudging the bacon in the pan with a spatula so it doesn't stick to the bottom and burn. With my other hand, I hold my phone, typing in a response to Alluka's cheery good morning text, which is punctuated, adorably, with a sun emoji. I turn my head at footsteps behind me, then smile softly at the sight of Gon walking down the stairs, mid-yawn and rubbing an eye. I put my phone back in my pocket. "Good morning."

"Mo'nin', Kiwua," he says around his yawn. He stretches, then blinks open his eyes, smiling cheerfully. "Hi! How'd you sleep?"

Terribly. "Good," I reply, turning back to the bacon. "Hungry?"

"Starved!" he chirps, and I hear him taking a seat. "I smelled bacon and got right out of bed!"

I laugh a little to myself, then flick off the stove and dish out the bacon onto plates. I realize that the only breakfast I made either of us is a plate full of bacon. Then I realize I don't really care.

We munch on the bacon, chatting pleasantly. With large, exciting hand gestures and a mouth half full of food, Gon tells me of his dream last night about how he had to fight off a bunch of giant bugs, and that I was there. (Ha.) He said he woke up before he found out how it ended, though, slumping down in his seat with disappointment. I tell him that's a bummer.

Gon swallows his bite of bacon, then looks up at me, wiping his mouth on his sleeve. "Hey, Killua."

"Huh?"

"Do I have any grandparents?" I raise an eyebrow. Gon shrugs and looks down, folding his hands in his lap. "Well, my mom and my dad died in a car crash, right?" Gon's memories didn't include finding out about his dad, so as far as he's concerned, his parents are dead, like Mito told him before he found out. I nod. "So, do I have any other family? And when can I see Mito-san?"

I roll my eyes, shoving more bacon in my mouth. "You don't have any more family that I know of," I mumble. "And I already told you, you're still not in completely stable condition. No traveling until you are."

"Aw..." he whines, resting his chin on the table and pouting. "When am I gonna be?"

"I don't know!" I say back, exasperated. "Like the other ten million times you asked me!"

He frowns. "Sorry." He sits back up, staring at the ceiling. "I'm just- I'm bored! I wanna go see the world!" Before I can say anything, he hops out of his seat, slapping his hands down on the table, giving me a glowing grin. "I wanna go adventure! I wanna go meet new people! I want to...I don't know- do _something!_ Don't you feel like that too, Killua?"

He sounds so enthusiastic, so cheerful, so naïve at the consequences all that brings, and my fist clenches around the plate. "No," I mutter through clenched teeth.

Gon's face falls, and something of guilt twinges in me. "Why not?" he asks simply, tilting his head. "Doesn't that sound fun?"

"No! It's not!" On a sudden rush of boiling blood, I'm standing up, grinding my knuckles into the tabletop. Gon gets quiet and his eyes go wide, and I grind my teeth as I snap at him. "It's an awful world out there, Gon, full of awful people who do awful things. Aren't you happy being safe? Why isn't this good enough for you? Do you know how many people would kill to be able to live like this?"

Gon doesn't deserve me lashing out at him like this, and in my head, I know that. He was only expressing a desire natural to him and I was yelling at him for it. But my heart pumped anger through my bloodstream at him yearning for the damned life that I'm doing everything in my power to keep him safe from, even if I know it's not his fault.

Awful silence stretches out after my words, before Gon bows his head apologetically, tucking his chin to his chest, and speaks in a small voice. "I'm sorry."

I squeeze my eyes shut, pinching the bridge of my nose and slowly sinking back down into my seat, breathing out. "No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I had no reason to yell at you like that, I just." I suck in a lungful of air. "Sorry."

"...Killua?" His voice is hushed and tentative, and I relax my shoulders and blink open my eyes.

"Yeah?"

He looks back up, nervously flicking his tongue over his lips, concern painted onto his face. "I-I'm only asking because of how you reacted, and I could be wrong, but... Did something like that ever happen to you?"

I stare down at my food, which, untouched for minutes, has been growing cold. I'm not hungry anymore.

"...Is this one of those things I don't ask questions about, Killua?"

"Yes."

And so he doesn't.

\--

> _**Kurapika** , 10:49 A.M._

>> First of all, is this an okay time, or do I have the timezones wrong again?

 

> RE: _**Kurapika** , 10:51 A.M._

>> haha youre fine were both awake. just finished breakfast. whats up

 

> _**Kurapika** , 10:53 A.M._

>> Not a ton, just checking in. Leorio's back. He broke his phone, typically, but he sends his regards.

 

> RE: _**Kurapika** , 10:54 A.M._

>> holy shit did he really im not even surprised

 

> _ **Kurapika** , 10:56 A.M._

>> Replacement won't come for another week. He won't stop whining.

 

> _**Kurapika** , 10:57 A.M._

>> How's Gon?

 

> RE: _**Kurapika** , 11:00 A.M._

>> he keeps asking questions and i wish he wouldnt but i mean other than that hes fine. hes napping

 

> RE: _**Kurapika** , 11:01 A.M._

>> more of a me problem than a him problem anyway

 

> _**Kurapika** , 11:03 A.M._

>> Killua, have you ever considered just telling Gon about his past?

 

> RE: _**Kurapika** , 11:04 A.M._

>> what no i cant do that

 

> RE: _**Kurapika** , 11:05 A.M._

>> i cant do that didnt leorio explain this to you

 

> _ **Kurapika** , 11:08 A.M._

>> Admittedly I don't exactly agree with your actions. I understand where you're coming from but what if those memories aren't something he would've wanted to give up?

 

> RE: _**Kurapika** , 11:08 A.M._

>> im trying to do whats best for him

 

> RE: _**Kurapika** , 11:09 A.M._

>> please understand what im trying to do

 

> _**Kurapika** , 11:10 A.M._

>> I do understand. But I don't think it's best.

 

> RE: _**Kurapika** , 11:11 A.M._

>> well thats your opinion

 

> _**Kurapika** , 11:11 A.M._

>> I know, but just think about what I'm saying.

 

> RE: _**Kurapika** , 11:12 A.M._

>> think about what im saying though

 

> RE: _**Kurapika** , 11:13 A.M._

>> kurapika if you had the chance to forget the phantom troupe and forget the kurta wouldnt you

 

> RE: _**Kurapika** , 11:14 A.M._

>> wouldnt you want to forget all of that? wouldnt you be happier??

 

> RE: _**Kurapika** , 11:29 A.M._

>> kurapika?

 

> RE: _**Kurapika** , 1:21 P.M._

>> im sorry

 

> RE: _**Kurapika** , 2:08 P.M._

>> i shouldnt have said that im sorry

 

> _**Kurapika** , 3:22 P.M._

>> I wouldn't choose to forget it.

 

> RE: _**Kurapika** , 3:23 P.M._

>> i know im sorry for saying that im really sorry

 

> RE: _**Kurapika** , 6:16 P.M._

>> i dont know if what im doing is right anymore i hate lying to him please help me

 

> RE: _**Kurapika** , 10:32 P.M._

>> OR STOP ANSWERING YOUR PHONE LIKE YOU ALWAYS GODDAMN DO EVEN WHEN YOUR FRIENDS NEED HELP

 

> RE: _ **Kurapika** , 10:34 P.M._

>> whatever. good night

\--

Nine months since Gon woke up, and we're doing fine.

It's fall, and we're glowing warm, fighting the brisk air with hot chocolate and shared body heat, fingers twined beneath a plush blanket. I breathe in his smell as he tucks his head under my chin, and his fingers spread over my chest. I wonder if he can feel my heartbeat skipping and tripping beneath his touch.

I haven't talked to Kurapika in a month, but I tell myself I'm not bothered. After all, I've gone a lot longer without any contact with the Kurta. It's also been a month since I've talked to Leorio, but I tell myself I'm not bothered. The signal over there is bad, surely. My nightmares have been getting even more frequent lately, but I tell myself I'm not bothered. Life otherwise is good.

Domestic life with Gon is sleepy and easy and quiet and peaceful, and I notice myself thinking less and less about how things used to be every day. This is my reality now, and it's the one I've always dreamed of, so there's no point in living in the past.

It's nice. I'm happy. And more importantly, he is.

\--

Ten months since Gon woke up, and I am in love with him. This isn't anything new, of course, but at last, I can stop trying to pretend I'm not.

Neither one of us really asked the other out, I guess. It kind of just...happened. We were wrestling and laughing, like we had done so many times before. But Gon had rolled over, determined to win, and caught me off-guard with the speed his hands shot out and clamped my wrists together over my head with, and he's plenty strong enough to immobilize me briefly. Everything happened so quick- he was leaning down, close to me, to laugh in my face at his victory and I was leaning up, close to him, to bark in his face about the unfairness, and our lips met and he let go of my hands and I wrapped my arms around his neck.

I had been picturing this moment for years, running it through my head in a number of scenarios. The way I always pictured our first kiss was neater and deliberate than practically knocking heads while wrestling and running with it. But it was _real_ \- his mouth was warm on mine and my pale skin was lit aflame and I was trembling the whole time through. I think I pulled back first, simply because I was completely overwhelmed and needed to breathe, and my hands instantly shot up to cover my cherry-red cheeks as shaky, uneven pants were pulled from my lungs. "Oh my god," I chanted to myself in a frantic whisper. "Oh my god."

There was quiet for a moment, then a nose tip nuzzling along my hairline and an excited giggle. "That was so cool, Killua!"

"Cool," I wheezed.

"Yeah! Can we do that again?"

I made some sort of a surprised noise in the back of my throat closely relating to a sound a drunken seal dying might make, kind of like, "Arreugh?", but worse. But past my shell-shocked state, what I meant to convey was _yes,_ and luckily, Gon understood.

The funny thing is now that we're a couple, we really don't act any different than before, except now we kiss _on the mouth_ sometimes. But that's really the only addition- other than that we might as well still be twelve-year-old kids on Greed Island. And it's kind of a relief to me. Maybe even if Gon did really know who I was, it wouldn't be any different.

I like picturing that. I like imagining that I could kiss him then tell him, "I used to be an assassin, I'm a transmuter Nen user, I have a wish-granting sister that saved your life when you went after the creature that killed our friend" and he would say, "That's fine, Killua" and kiss me again. He probably would, considering how calm he was about all revelations of my identity the first time.

Maybe someday.

No, no. He's finally happy.

Maybe not.

I'm going to visit Alluka next month, though I still have yet to bring it up to Gon, but he'll be fine with it. And now that I've changed my location and phone number and completely cut contact, the rest of my family has no way of finding me. Good fucking riddance. (Although I do hope Kalluto is doing alright.)

I'm texting Alluka right now, actually. Gon is in front of me, hopping around on the balls of his feet, controller clutched in hand as he swings it, intensely engaged in the game of Wii Tennis he's playing. I'm slumped on the couch behind him, thumbs flying at the screen of my phone. Alluka sent me a selfie of her holding up her newest animal friend- a foxbear cub named Choo Choo. Alluka found the little guy orphaned and alone last week with a broken leg and is currently nursing him back to health. I remember hearing about foxbears from Gon and Kite- apparently, they're notoriously aggressive towards humans and are generally considered untouchable. Yet there Alluka's selfie is, smiling as Choo Choo affectionately licks her cheek. I guess she's just that good.

I go to reply, but suddenly, my phone is vibrating. The screen dims and displays a picture of Leorio, a green pick-up button next to a red decline button underneath. Fuck.

I rise to my feet and immediately start walking out of the room, staring at my phone. "Going to take a call," I announce to Gon. "I'll be right back."

"'Kay!" he chirps in reply, not even looking away from the TV screen.

I exit and run up the stairs, only clicking the accept call button once I was at the top, bringing it to my ear as I walk into mine and Gon's room, closing the door. I bring the phone to my ear. "Yeah?"

"Killua!" comes the relieved voice on the other end, and I can't help but smile. "It's good to hear you again!"

"You too, old man," I respond affectionately, leaning back to lay down on the bed, limbs spread out starfish-style. "'S been a while."

Leorio groans. "Tell me about it. The signal here is ass- this is the first call I've been able to make in two months, if you believe it! And- wait, hold on." He pauses, as if only now registering what I said, then promptly lets out a huff. " _Old man?_ Sheesh, you're not even that much younger that me! As a certified doctor, I can assure you it wouldn't cause you harm to be a little nicer with your greeting to me. For once in, you know, six or so years."

I laugh. "What's up?"

"Well, thought I'd shoot you a ring to tell you some good news."

"Oh, yeah? Hit me up, geezer."

" _Shut it._ Anyway, I've got some vacation time coming up, yeah?" I can hear the grin in his voice as mine begins fading away. "And I really miss you guys- I mean, not that Kurapika isn't just buckets of fun, but it's been a long time. So, I was wondering if...maybe I could-." He stops himself, and I wonder why until I realize he's waiting for me to speak. I don't.

The pause in long and grueling and I clench and unclench my fist before gulping and opening my mouth. "I...I'd love to see you again, but wouldn't it-. It-it might trigger something in Gon."

I hear Leorio draw in a breath. "You're with him, though, and if anyone's presence would trigger memories, it's you. I think it'd be fine."

"I don't want to take chances." A beat passes, and I wince at the accidental harshness I delivered that with. I soften my tone and breathe out an apology. "Sorry."

He hesitates. "I understand where you're coming from, but-." Leorio's voice falters. "It should be fine if I just don't say who I really am."

I purse my lips. "I don't know."

"...That's not fair." His voice drops, and I nervously bunch a fistful of bedding in my palm. "It's been upwards of two years since I've really talked to him, and even if we keep his past from him, it's not fair that you decided that you're the only one who gets to see him. He's my friend, too." The tone he's using doesn't hide the fact that he's hurt, and I hate it.

And I understand him completely.

I sit up, breathing deeply, then pinch the bridge of my nose and squeeze my eyes shut. "Okay. Okay, we'll work out something. I guess. You're right, it's not fair, and I'm sorry. I just."

"Don't work yourself up about it, it's alright. You have good intentions and I know it. I don't mean to make you uncomfortable, I just wanted to see you."

"I know."

Silence.

Again.

"...Speaking of which," he begins after around half a minute of awkwardness. "Do you still have your old stuff? I was wondering about that. Like, your license."

I make a little humming noise in my throat that means yes I do, and lay back down on the bed. "Oh, yeah. I have our licenses, our Greed Island things, pictures, and other stuff like that. I wouldn't get rid of those. I keep them in a little box in the back of the closet where Gon would never look."

"Sentiment, eh?"

"Aw, don't be talking like I'm the sentimental sap out of the two of us," I snort. I chew the inside of my cheek, then roll over onto my stomach. "I do look through the stuff sometimes when Gon's not around, though. I kept the things that give me good memories, so it's not like I pocketed any Gungi pieces from when we raided the mansion of the evil lizard and Gon turned, like, thirty and smashed in the cat-thing's head then almost died."

"...What?"

"What? Didn't I fill you in on everything that happened during the Chimera Ant showdown?"

"Um? No?! _Apparently you emitted some minor details?!_ "

"Oh. Well, that makes this awkward." I shrug and wave my hand dismissively. "Ah, it's another story for another time."

Leorio makes some sort of exasperated noise halfway in-between a groan and a sigh. "Yeesh, kid, you've seen some shit. Well, I hope you're enjoying Gon...not...doing that."

"It's pretty nice, yeah."

"Yeah. I- oh, hold on." The sound suddenly muffles, as if Leorio put his hand over the receiver, but I hear him yelling in the background, though the words are indistinguishable. A couple seconds pass, then I assume Leorio lifts his hand as the sound becomes clear again and chatters into the phone. "Hey, I gotta go. Can we talk about this later?"

I nod on instinct, then realize he can't see me. "Sure. It was good talking to you, Leorio."

"You too. Stay safe, bud."

_Beep._

I click the hang up button, then breathe out and flop over on my back again, staring up at the ceiling. I'm worried about Leorio coming. I don't want Gon to remember anything, but he's right that it isn't fair for me to not let him visit. I tell myself it'll be fine if he doesn't give away his identity. Gon will be thrilled to meet him, I'm sure.

I stay laying down for a couple minutes, before my eyes flick over to my left at the closet we share. It's been a while since I've looked through the box I was just telling Leorio about, and the conversation sparked desire in me to go through it again.

I shuffle around until I'm sitting at the edge of the bed, then rise to my feet. I walk over, nibbling my bottom lip, and carefully, quietly slide open the closet door, even though Gon wouldn't hear me from downstairs anyway. There's our clothes, his occupying one half of it, and mine the other. I shift to my side, then gently pull out the hamper I have tucked in the back corner. And behind it, on its side, is a small wooden box clasped shut.

I carefully pull it out and sit back on the bed, setting it in my lap, giving one cautious glance at the door before I flip it open.

A small smile creeps onto my lips as soon as I do, because resting on the very top of the box's contents is a picture of the four of us, together- Leorio has his arms around me and Kurapika and he's beaming. I look like I was caught in the middle of yelling at him to get off (because I probably was), and Kurapika (God, his hair is so short in this picture, he still had those blue and red robes- he looks so young) looks alarmed, maybe vaguely irritated. The only other person in the picture who's smiling is Gon, as one would expect. He's next to me and he is glowing.

I'm sure I have a disgustingly fond look on my face right now as I look down at this photo, but my chest swells with warmth every time I do. These three have done so much for me and they mean the world to me, and I can't say it enough.

I take the photo off of the top to dig through the rest of the box. I pick up two silver rings with green gems embedded in them, turning them in my fingers. Just looking at them, I'm taken back to Greed Island, and I can nearly hear Bisky screeching at us to to five hundred push-ups with our pinkie toes or something ridiculous like that. I laugh a little to myself, setting the rings down as well. I wonder to myself how Bisky's doing.

I pick up two circular pins, numbers printed on both of them, and make a strange choking noise at the flood of memories ramming into me. One of the pins says '99'- that was mine. The other says '405'- Gon's. God, I feel like I'm gonna start crying just at seeing our badges from the Hunter Exam. Maybe I am a sentimental sap. Jeez, I'm turning into Leorio.

I put those down (sniffing and wiping my eyes like a loser), then, shifting around some other things in the box, pull out the two cards laying in the bottom. I pull them out. I expect myself to start crying again as I look at the two Hunter Licenses in my hand, but miraculously, I don't. I don't make a sound. My chest just aches, and I don't know why.

I'm so focused on staring at them, that I don't even notice the door open. Nor Gon slipping inside.

"What are those?"

The licenses hit the bed as I let go of them out of shock, and I can feel my heartbeat stutter with a flash of momentary panic. A woosh of air leaves my lungs and I whip around, eyes wide. Gon is standing in the doorway, his hand on the frame. There is no sunshine smile stretching his lips, and his voice is quiet.

I instantly shove the box behind my back and try to cover the contents I took out of it with my hands, which probably won't do much, but it's my knee-jerk reaction anyway. "Gon!" I gasp, backing up on the bed away from him. "What are you-?"

He looks at me for another second, then tilts his head to look slightly to the side. "The game was glitching, so I came up to ask you to help. You were on the phone, though, and I didn't want to interrupt, so I waited for you to get done, and...then you started talking about me."

Oh, no.

A bead of cold sweat rolls down my cheekbone, and I can already feel my hands gain a tremble from panic. "Don't listen in on my conversations!" is the first thing I can bark out.

Gon's fists clench and he whips his head around to glare at me, for the first time in ten months. It's been years since I've seen that anger burn behind his eyes. The exact anger I never wanted him to experience again. "You're hiding things from me!"

"I'm not!" I yell out the compulsive lie, even though I know that it won't do anything. "Go back downstai-"

"Why are you lying?" I go quiet, and the tremble in my hands gets worse. "Why are you lying to me? Who were you talking to? What's behind your back?"

"It's _nothing_ , Gon. It's none of your business."

Gon takes a step forward and narrows his eyes, and I flinch. No. No, I don't want him to be mad. "If it's nothing then why won't you show me?" I don't respond. "What are Chimera Ants?" I don't respond. "What's Greed Island? Who were you talking to? What don't you want me to remember?" I don't respond.

With a _thud_ like thunder booming, Gon stomps his foot into the ground, and I cringe and whimper. "I never lied to you! Why are you lying to me, Killua?"

"It's for your own good," I say, pleading. "You wouldn't understand."

" _My own good?_ " parrots Gon, anger in his words rising. "Then where's my say in it?"

"I'm not giving you a say because you would've chosen wrong, Gon!"

 

' _Admittedly I don't exactly agree with your actions. I understand where you're coming from but what if those memories aren't something he would've wanted to give up?_ ' That's what Kurapika had said to me.

Dammit. Goddammit.

 

He doesn't say anything or look at me for a long time. It could've been seconds. Minutes. A century, and my heart breaks more and more with every tick of the clock.

Then he slowly turns, his back to me, facing out the door. "Good to know you don't trust me. I'm sorry for trusting you." He walks out. He closes the door behind him.

\--

It's been two days. He won't talk to me. He's waiting for me to tell him, I guess. At this point I might, because I have nothing to loose.

But I won't, because that'd be more selfish than anything.

\--

Gon's asleep on his side of the bed, his back to me. I'm curled up with my back to him. I can't sleep. Nightmares, as always. So I have my phone and I'm playing mindless games because I have nothing else to do. I have the sound off, of course, but even if I had it on it wouldn't matter. Gon is an incredibly deep sleeper.

It's sometime around way-too-early A.M. when I hear a tapping at my window. I look up from my phone. The curtains on the window across from me are drawn, so I don't see anything outside, but I doubt there's anything anyway. Just the wind. And besides, even it was a robber, I could kill them in three or four seconds flat, so I'm not overly worried. I go back to my game.

Then the tapping happens again, identical to before, and it's enough to make me get out of bed to see what it is. I flick off my phone and rise to my feet, opening the curtains, squinting. The first thing I notice is that it's dark outside. The second thing I notice is a pair of black eyes staring back into my own. "Hello, Kil."

The Hellish creature I'm related to hangs outside my window, upside down, and blinks at me calmly. I almost screamed, but out of courtesy to Gon, I didn't.

Words didn't come out easily, because my throat locked up, but I managed to force out a couple curt, choked syllables. "H-how did you find me?"

"Don't act so surprised, Kil. We never lost you." In one smooth movement, Illumi silently pops out the screen door of the window and throws it to the ground, then swings from his perch above the window and in through the window through the opening he created. He straightens himself up, now in my room, and dusts himself off. He closes the window behind him.

_what is he doing here i was never supposed to see him again i lost him i lost him im dreaming im dreaming this is a nightmare ill wake up any moment_

I nervously glance over my shoulder. Gon is still sleeping.

Shaking, I look forward again, whispering frantically. "Whatever you want with me, that's fine, just please, _please_ don't touch him. _Please_."

"Hm?" Illumi tilts his head and blinks in that unnervingly owlish way of his, glancing over my shoulder at Gon's sleeping form behind me. "Why would I want anything with him? He's useless now."

Anger boils within me, hot and searing, but I keep it down. It'd be more trouble than it's worth. "Then what do you want?"

"The return of my baby brother, for one, who is now at proper age to become the official head of the family."

I curl my lip in a snarl. "Kill me first."

Illumi sighs and folds his arms. "That isn't the main reason I'm here, actually. You're too fussy to ever agree to that, so it's useless at this point. It makes Mother sad. Mother misses you."

"Mother can rot in Hell."

"We didn't raise you to be this rude."

"You raised me to kill people, which is a lot goddamn worse than bad manners, Illumi."

Illumi stares at me, then gives half of a crooked smile, as if he's amused. I want him to burn. "Fiesty as ever, I see." _Don't call me fiesty don't call me anything I hate you go away._ "I'm not actually here because of you, Kil. You'd know if I was."

"Then what are you here for?" I hiss quietly.

That disgusting smile of his grows wider, his eyes laughing at me, mocking me. "As I said, we never lost track of you, Kil. But there's someone else that we'd like to know the whereabouts of, and you make it awfully tricky to do that."

My stomach drops and my eyes widen. He wants Alluka.

"You've figured out who I mean, dear brother? If you're cooperative, I'll leave and won't touch Gon. Alluka won't be harmed, either. I simply-"

I don't let him finish his sentence. I ball my fist and, with as much force as I possibly can, send it whipping towards his sternum.

Illumi catches my wrist (of course he would, I don't know why I thought he wouldn’t) in a grip so tight I briefly panic that its going to snap in half. Illumi doesn't even flinch.

He talks again, and he speaks calmly, and he doesn't let go of my wrist and he is holding on so incredibly tight there is no possible hope of escape and I feel my fingers start to go cold from lack of blood circulation to them. "Were you even trying on that punch? That was slow and weak. You have still been training, right, Kil? You haven't just been wasting this two years doing nothing?"

That was the fastest and strongest punch I can give right now.

"...You haven't?" he says slowly, and his grip tightens even more, and I squeeze my eyes shut and hope for this to be over soon. "How long has it been since you used Nen?"

Two years.

Illumi lets out a sigh and releases my wrist, and I stumble backwards, clutching the injured area. My mind is numb with the pain, and I dimly wonder if he broke it. I stop myself before I hit the bed, because that'd wake up Gon, so I collapse at the foot of it. Every instinct it telling me to fight back against Illumi, but even at my strongest, I was never any match for him- and I'm far from the strongest I've ever been. He's right. I'm much weaker and out of practice than I practically ever have been, but I never thought that I'd need to be again.

Fighting him would be futile. So I hang my head and grit my teeth as Illumi takes a few steps to stand above me. "Where's Alluka, Kil?"

My tone is hushed but raw and belligerent all the same. "You'll never hear the answer from me, ever. And if you even _consider_ going after her, I will find you, and I will tear you limb from limb with my own two hands."

A beat passes, then Illumi lets out some repulsive noise that could almost pass for an estranged laugh. "If only you were like this all the time again. I'm glad to see you haven't gone completely soft, at least. But, unfortunately." Illumi crouches down so that he is eye level with me. "Dad sent me out to find Alluka. And I intend on returning with him."

"Alluka is a girl," I spit in his face. "And you can tell Dad you're not getting her anytime soon."

"Alluka's not here." Illumi's words are so out-of-the-blue obvious that they actually catch me off guard, and I furrow my brows. Of course she's not. What did he think? "You're not with Alluka because you're taking care of Gon, who has lost his memory." That's...correct, but why is he bringing it up? "So. I assume..." His chin tips up, now looking above my head at Gon, sleeping on the mattress. "...if Gon were to recover his memories, you'd go running back to Alluka."

My insides twist and pulse jumps into my throat. My mind reels. "Don't. You. _Dare._ Touch. Either of them." I don't know what he's planning but I'm terrified.

"Oh, I won't." Illumi straightens back up, and cracks that hideous smile down at me again, tipping his head. "Thanks for your cooperation, Kil. I'll be on my way now." He walks over to the window, opening it, then turning his head back to me. "Remember, if you ever decide to come back home, we'll be waiting."

I glare. "I'd rather die."

Illumi stares out me, then lets out a strangled, "Heh", hoists himself up through the window, and swings out of sight.

Gon is still asleep, and I'm shaking all over. After almost a year of peace and domestic life, I'm violently reminded that just because we pretend the past didn't happen doesn't mean it didn't. I close the curtains and carry myself on quivering calves back to the bed, where I lay down next to him again, and pull the blanket up to my neck. My throat is dry and my palms are clammy.

I'm weak, as I am. I sit up in bed, wondering if I would be able to protect him if Illumi or anyone else came after him.

It's been so long since I've used Nen, but that'd be my best chance. Getting as close to the bed as I can, furthest away from Gon as possible, I hold my hands out in from of me, willing the sensation of sparking electricity to tingle through my veins once more.

Nothing comes.

I rack my brain desperately, trying to remember how I did it before, but I had repressed all memories of anything related to dark times of my past so deep that conjuring them at will is near impossible.

I've forgetten how to use Nen. I'm powerless. I'm normal.

This is what I thought I'd want. So when I start crying, I don't know why.

\--

The morning afterwards is harsh, blinding sunlight in my face, rousing me from a bed I had barely slept in. I sigh and stretch. Gon is still sleeping, as usual. I shuffle out of bed over to the bathroom, shivering. I could almost tell myself that last night was just a horrid dream, but my wrist still aches every time I move it from where I know all too vividly the sensation of Illumi clutching it so tightly I thought the bone had fractured.

I turn on the sink and cup my hands beneath the faucet, then splash the cold water onto my face to help me wake up and snap out of my dreary daze. _Illumi is gone now_ , I tell myself. _Illumi is gone, and we are fine. We're still safe. It'll be okay._

Then I hear Gon crying.

I blink and turn off the water, wiping my face with a towel and running my hands through my hair, walking out of the bathroom and nudging open our bedroom door. Gon is sitting on the bed, face buried in the crook of his elbow, hiccupping on sobs. I swallow hard, hating the sight. "H-hey," I begin cautiously, because for all I know, he's still mad at me. "Are you alright?"

I notice Gon's frame shaking, and I hear him sniffle and he shakes his head, continuing to cry. I bite my lip, carefully walking over next to him. I hesitate before I sit down next to him, but he doesn't object. I want to reach out and comfort him but I don't want to push my boundaries. "What's wrong?" I ask softly.

Suddenly, Gon's arms are thrown around my neck and he's clinging to me, weeping against my shoulder, trembling in my hold. I'm too stunned to react at first, but not asking questions, I just wrap my arms around him and bring him closer to me. What happened?

"...Bad dream?" I present the question gently, threading my fingers through his hair, because I know that always calms him down.

Gon shakes his head and whimpers, balling his fists into my shirt.

"D-do you want to talk about it, Gon?"

I hear his crying stutter as he sucks in sharp breaths, as if trying to stop long enough to speak. His grip on me loosens, so I immediately loosen mine on him. He sits back, now kneeling in front of me, and wipes

his eyes on his forearms. He then puts his hands on his knees and hangs his head and when he speaks, his voice is fragile and small. "I let Kite die."

 

 

_I let Kite die._

 

 

He remembers.

"I killed Pitou," Gon whimpers out, hunching over and quivering more. "I made you cry. I'm an awful person, Killua. I'm an awful, selfish person."

He remembers.

Everything I have done has gone to waste. Gon is crying again. I don't even care how he remembers. All I know is that I have failed him.

I'm crying, too, though it takes me a bit to realize it. Just the sight of Gon on his knees before me, broken, shoulders quivering in sobs that I swore never to let him go through again is enough to make my vision go blurry from my eyes watering. My heart clenches in its cage and salty drops drip off my chin onto the bedspread. I can't do anything right. I can't keep Gon happy. Everything I went through and he's crying in the end after all.

I hate myself.

"I'm- I'm so sorry, Killua."

"No," is my automatic response, but I shake my head and look down. "No, I mean, don't be sorry, you...you didn't...god, how did you remember? You're not supposed to remember."

"I don't know," he whimpers, shrinking down further, seeming even smaller. It's as if he's willing the light within him to die down, and it makes every nerve in my body ache.

I bring him into my arms again, burying my head in the crook of his neck. "I'm sorry," I choke out, and he begins to protest, but I keep talking, though my voice is cracking and my diction is suffering because of it. "This is why I didn't want to tell you about your past. I'm so, so sorry Gon. I wanted to save you from this." He clings tighter to me, then, as if I'm the only thing anchoring him down from the hell raging inside of his head. He presses his face into my chest. He must be able to hear my heart splintering with every gesture he does.

I raise my hand to the back of his neck, trying to bring him closer to comfort him. His skin is warm. But then I feel something smooth beneath my fingers, something cold and hard, something round. My eyes snap open, and I pull back for a moment, craning my head around to look at the back of Gon's neck.

There, in the middle of his nape, is the small, yellow orb of the head of a needle.

"Illumi," I gasp breathlessly, and Gon makes a small, questioning noise. "Illumi did this to you." My words grow angrier by the syllable I spit out, because I know exactly what happened. I grit my teeth and hold Gon's shoulders, looking him in the eye. "Remember my big brother?"

Gon blinks at me, and gives a minute nod of his head.

"He was here last night. He was looking for Alluka. He thought...he thinks that if you recover your memories, I'll go running to Alluka, so he can follow me to her. His needles stimulate parts of the brain, that's how he makes people his servants with them. He must've stimulated the part of your brain with your memories. That's...that's so _awful_ , oh my god, Gon, I'm so sorry, I should've- I should've-" I could've stopped him, if I was stronger. I let this happen.

"I'm glad."

My words catch in my throat.

Gon picks up his head, and while his cheeks still glisten from where tears have left their trail, there is a smile on his lips. It is fragile-looking and small, but it's a smile, nonetheless. "There was a bunch of sad things that happened, and remembering them all at once is overwhelming. But it's also nice to remember all the adventures I had with my most dear friends in the world." He looks down, then gently reaches forward, clasping our hands, and smiles again, brighter and more sincere. "It's so nice to remember you, Killua. Everything about you."

I probably look ridiculous. Half way in-between smiling out of maybe the purest happiness I've ever felt and bawling my eyes out. My face is scrunched up because I don't know which emotion to present. Both? I'm still crying, I think, but I'm smiling and blushing, too? I'm making weird wheezing noises, too, oh god, I'm _lame_.

Gon lets out a small laugh, then gently puts his hands on my cheeks. He brings me forward, and my heart is probably going to punch through my ribs from bounding so fucking hard, and his lips are soft and warm when he presses them to the corner of my mouth. My toes curl and butterflies bat their wings inside my stomach. It's a kiss, the first one he's given me in a while, and my head is spinning.

Gon pulls back (I chase him with my lips and actually fall forward, but I pick myself up- hopefully before he notices) and he smiles at me again, and there's something in his eyes that hasn't been there for the past year.

Light. Hope. The spirit of adventure. Everything that makes Gon Gon and I never realized just how much I missed it.

"Y'know Killua, I've been thinking about doing that for a long, long time now. I'm glad I can now." His eyes softened as he looked at me, bright red and speechless with my mouth hanging open. "So, a lot of bad things happened. Yeah. But I think the good outweighs the bad. Like..." He pauses to think for a moment, brows furrowing and tapping a finger to his chin, before breaking out into a cheery grin. "Like when we met Zushi! That was so fun!"

Something in me eases up. "Heaven's Arena was pretty great," I agree.

Gon laughs and leans back on his hands. "I still can't believe you spent all that money on chocolate!"

I scowl. "You got a problem with that?" I protest, sounding annoyed for actually being an emotionally unstable mess on the verge of tears with relief. Good.

"Nope. I don't have any problem with any food you have, except when you had that pie and shoved it in my face!" A pause. "In front of Kurapika!"

I break out in giggles, rolling onto my back from the memory. "That was funny! Almost as funny as when you got your butt kicked by some _tops!_ "

"Well!" Gon huffs. "Not like you were always smooth either, Mr. Date Stalker!"

"Th-that was just to protect you!"

"Yeah right!"

We yell at each other back and forth at the tops of our lungs about a past that I don't have to suppress anymore. And it's the happiest I've felt in months.

\--

First thing is first. Now that we're back in business, we need to get in shape again to tackle a world we want to be part of again. Logging onto the Hunter website for her number, I call Bisky up and ask her if she's willing to pop by to give me and Gon some memory-jogging training. I give her a really quick and condensed rundown of what all happened. She agrees. I mean, she screeches at me for being a reckless idiot first, but she agrees.

When she shows up at our apartment two days later, it's extremely exciting, and full of tight hugs because we haven't seen her in six or so years. Bisky pulls back at one point, teary-eyed, and tells us she cannot believe how big we've gotten. "Oh, you look like men now!" she squeaks softly, and I wonder if I should get her a tissue. "All grown up..."

Gon giggles in a way that hasn't changed since we were kids, and I give Bisky a fond smile. "Thanks," I say affectionately. "And you're looking young and well, for being Exhibit A of a history museum."

She kicks my ass.

It was worth it.

\--

I forgot how much using lightning can hurt, especially when I haven't done it in two years, but it's comforting to have relearned Nen.

Gon is a little overexcited to be able to use his abilities again, but, whatever.

I'm sure that gaping hole he punched in the wall is fixable.

\--

"Killua!" The call floats up from me from downstairs and in through the open bedroom door. "Come on!"

I drop my pencil from scratching against the paper I have on a writing board on my lap to yell back. "Just a second, Gon! I'm doing something!"

"Can't you do it later, Killua?" he whines loudly, and I roll my eyes, twirling the pencil in between my fingers before landing the lead of it back onto the paper, hand scrawling out words again.

"I'm almost done! Just give me a minute, okay? We still have a minute."

I think Gon yells out something else, but I'm not paying attention to him. Just the paper in front of me, and what I'm writing down on it.

 

_Dear diary, or something._

_I've pretty much stopped trying to deny that I'm grossly sentimental at this point, and one way or another, I'm sure this is all Leorio's fault. And going through the box of memories I have filled with stuff from our adventures in it, I thought I should wrap up this adventure with another addition to it. I don't really have any trinkets from it to offer though, so instead, I'm writing this._

_I shouldn't have to give a recap of what happened. Gon lost his memory, I decided to keep his memory from him so he could be happy and not deal with his past. It worked for about a year, but you know, as always, Illumi ruins everything good in my life so that didn't last. But Gon getting his memory back wasn't such a horrible thing after all._

_I mean, don't get me wrong, it's not perfect. Everything that I tried to keep from happening to Gon now happens to him. He'll wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, crying over Kite, or will be shivering all over if he thinks about his fight with Pitou. He's kind of fucked up from it like I feared would happen, yeah. But what gets me is how tells me everyday that he wouldn't have it any other way. That he wouldn't trade these times we've had for anything._

_~~I really love him.~~ Dammit, the eraser on this pencil is awful. Just ignore that, that's embarrassing._

_Anyway._

_Illumi's still out there, somewhere, waiting for me to go to Alluka. Well, joke's on that douchebag, because I'm not going to her. Rather, she's coming to me._

_As I write this, Leorio and Kurapika are on their way over here for our first real time together in years, and as per my request, they stopped by Whale Island to pick up Alluka and they're bringing her, too. They called a couple minutes ago saying they're close, and Gon is downstairs, yelling at me to hurry up because they'll be here any second now._

_I still have nightmares. Gon still cries. Illumi is still waiting for me to make a mistake. The world still isn't safe._

_But in this fucked up world we exist in, there are some things worth living for, and I'm happy spending my life chasing those. It's just like Gon said._

 

The doorbell rings. I smile.

"Killua! They're here! They're here!" comes Gon's delighted cry from downstairs.

"I'm coming!" I call back, beaming. I stand up, folding up the paper and tucking it in the box of memories before running as fast as I can downstairs- but not before writing one last sentence.

 

_The good outweighs the bad._


End file.
